I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
