I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
