Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I would fuck him just for his dog
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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