I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
