I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
