Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
