Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
