just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
