I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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