holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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