It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
