Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
