The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
