I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
