the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
