I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Lo siento on account of my penis...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize