YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
