chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
