Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
