oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
