i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize