my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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