I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
