My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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