that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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