I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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