Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize