not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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