I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
