Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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