I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
