Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
