I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize