I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dicks are not precious.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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