just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
