She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
