Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
