Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
