I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
