why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He uses pillows to masturbate.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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