Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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