I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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