I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
