how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
you had me at cake vodka
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
