Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
