I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The beer is more important than you right now.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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