I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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