after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
