I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
