does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
