The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
