Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Someone came in the potted fern
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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