the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
4 words: hood of his car
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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