The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
