After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
