Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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