I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
