I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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