Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
