im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
