All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
