Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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