she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
