hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
