i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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