Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
