mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
