Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
