what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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