I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
