you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
